Sugar Highs and Embarrassing Lows

Halloween has come and gone for another year. The boys had a fantastic time and somehow or other, their costumes survived through a party on Saturday night, being worn to school and to daycare on Wednesday, and through Trick-or-treating. They were adorable and everyone loved their costumes. But the past few days have been difficult for me, as the kids come down off their sugar high and are acting beastly. Ethan’s teacher popped her head out of the classroom just before dismissal today and said that she’s going to make sure Halloween comes during the summer holidays next year so she doesn’t have to deal with the aftermath! I guess she’s dealing with the beastlies too.

Speaking of beasts, we are having a very hard time getting Ethan to eat meat these days. He’s made the connection that chicken is Chicken, fish is Fish and turkey is Turkey – so he refuses to eat any of those things. I look at him and can see his little mind getting grossed out as he stares at his plate. And who am I to judge, really, when I am a “vegetarian+chicken” myself and I struggle mentally to eat anything other than veggies (or chocolate, but that comes from a cocoa bean, so same thing). We have been very evasive on the origins of ham and beef, but he is extremely suspicious. For the past three weeks, his protein has come in the form of meatballs, sausages, and soy cheese. So if he asks you what animal any of these things come from, please avoid the question. It’s not like we can add peanut butter to his repertoire to “beef” him up! And I have been noticing lately just how thin he is. He eats all the time, no kidding, we jump from breakfast to snack to second snack to lunch to three-snack afternoon to dinner, and you can still see the kid’s ribs clear as day. He doesn’t have an ounce of fat on him, and I never would have thought I would say that about him after his first year of pudgy life. Some of you may remember his nickname: “El Puerco” – the pig. We had to lift the rolls of fat on his arms and legs to get him clean in the bath. He was 8 lbs 11 oz at birth AND he was born nearly a month early. I honestly don’t know how we will afford to feed this guy once he’s a teenager.

And when it comes to bellies, we are anticipating a giant growth spurt from Jack. He’s like a comic strip character – he gets a very impressive Buddha belly, then his feet pop up a size, then he grows an inch. Since he’s still very small for his age, he could use a few inches. He’s desperate to get into that Ikea playroom! The poor little guy just split his lip again – who knows how, and I was less than two feet from him when it happened – and he has a double knot on his forehead. He already had a bruise and a knot up there from doing something at the Halloween party last weekend (what? We have no idea…), and just in time for school pictures, too. Then last night Mike was playing a game of tag with them, and Mike jumped out of the way as Jack supermanned at him. Jack’s momentum carried him headfirst into the side of the ottoman, where we heard a big thwack. He turned around and his knot was now a giant green double knot. Lovely. And he insisted on wearing his Mongolian hat (sent by Uncle Mark some months ago) to drop Ethan off at school today, which only accentuated the giant lump. I should have just drawn an arrow in Sharpie on his forehead, pointing to the bruise, with a label that says “I neglect my kids”.

I have been compiling a list of embarrassing stories for a while to present to you. The following stories are all TRUE and they all unfortunately happened to ME. Here you go:
1. While in WalMart a while back, I unexpectedly had to purchase some monthly feminine supplies, if you get my drift. I then wheeled the double stroller into the large wheelchair stall at the end of the bathroom and proceeded to take care of business. Ethan asks in an echoing voice, "Why are you wearing a diaper, Mummy?" Up and down the row of stalls, I hear muffled snickers. I hotly explained to Ethan that pantiliners were to protect underwear and that they were NOT diapers! I stayed in that stall for a long time until I was sure there were all new people in the bathroom.
2. Ethan is buying a long-stemmed silk flower for a friend for her birthday, and he loves how long it is. While in line to pay for the flower, he holds it up to me and says nice and loudly, "It comes all the way up to your vagina, Mummy!" Sudden silence from all who are waiting in line.
3. Often after a trip to Zellers, and only if they've been decent, we'll stop for one small Purdy's chocolate each. There was one day they totally did NOT deserve it. After I said no, Jack ran over into Purdy's and threw himself down on the floor onto the Purdy's purple logo tile. To my horror, he actually started LICKING the floor. One sweet old lady said, "Oh just get him some chocolate, dear!"
4. We hit Save-On-Foods every Monday morning around 10 am. We often get the same check-out lady and on this occasion, she asked the boys what they had been up to that morning. "Well", Ethan says, "Mummy really needed vodka." (Our first errand had been the liquor store, but let me stress that I had NOT imbibed any!) She took it in stride and silently handed the boys a sticker each.
5. I'm paying a parking ticket at the City Hall counter when all of a sudden Jack runs at me from behind and head-butts me (It's literally a head-butt - his head, my butt); I slam into the counter. Both clerks and the two other customers jump and I mumble "sorry he must think he's a mountain goat or something". Just then Jack grabs fistfuls of my butt cheeks in each hand and yells "you have a beautiful butt Mummy". I'm immediately scarlet and the ladies have tears in their eyes and are howling and telling their co-workers all about it as I slink out. (As a side note – I was telling my friend Carla this story and as we’re laughing about it, her son whips a tampon out of her purse and starts waving it around. So it’s not only my kids who enjoy embarrassing me!)

Well kids, I say this to you: payback's a bitch. And I WILL embarrass you completely, incredibly, awfully. I will save it until your teenage years and for your wedding day. But best of all I am keeping photographic evidence of you and your idiosyncrasies and you can bet that your first girlfriends are going to see it. All of it. So go on with your embarrassing selves. I am patient and I will wait.