A Boy's Life

5:41 am – I wake up. I lay there for a LONG TIME.
5:42 am – It’s time to go tell Mummy that I am the first one awake. I know she will enjoy being the second one awake.
5:43 am – I’m not sure why she wasn’t as excited as I was, but I don’t think she even opened her eyes before telling me to go back to bed. She’s rude. And her breath stinks.
7:30 am – Mummy and Jack come in, saying something about getting up for camp. Can’t they see I’m trying to sleep? I’m going to lie here and snuffle with Stripey for a while until Mummy really freaks out.
7:40 am – I’ve asked what is for breakfast about eighty-hundred times and Mummy hasn’t answered me once. Actually, she may have answered me but I really haven’t been paying attention so I think I should just ask again. I wish I could twist the lid off the strawberry jam myself, then I’d make every meal for myself since jam should be in every meal. And ketchup, but I can get the ketchup by myself already. Mummy says it’s made from tomatoes so why won’t I eat tomato sauce on my spaghetti but I know she’s fooling. Daddy puts ketchup on his French Toast so Mummy won’t make French Toast any more. She says it’s gross and she thinks she is the LEAST disgusting person of all of us. I think she is the MOST disgusting because she puts on lip gloss and then wants to kiss me.
8:15 am – I get in the bath and I wash my hair and body all by myself. I am super fast at this, so why is Mummy mad again? I’m so fast I didn’t even need to wet all of my body! She’s mumbling something again about hosing me down so I guess I’d better lie down. Once my ears are underwater I can’t hear her. She leaves the room for a second so I think now is the time to ask for help. I don’t know why she is always in the middle of things. I’ve tried to get in the middle of a tire swing and it’s not that exciting. She should stop the middle of things and just play with me.
8:47 am – I have my shoes on and I am sitting in the car. Mummy is trying to make Jack put on his own shoes. I wouldn’t be late for my camp if she just put his shoes on for him. Her face kind of looks purple. Cool.
8:53 am – I ask Mummy how much longer until we get to Future Stars Sports Camp. She says 6 minutes so I know we will get there before 9:00.
9:01 am – She lied.
9:02 am – We are finally here. Mummy sprays me with sunscreen as we are running to the door. The cubby for my snack is black which is cool because it’s my third favourite colour. Purple and pink are the first and second. I like this camp because we get to play play play. I get sweaty but that’s ok because sweat is good.
11:31 am – Mummy is late. But not as late as Daddy was yesterday.
11:32 am – I am the last one here but she is picking me up now. I tell her the thing that I tell her every time I see her: “I’m hungry”. She likes to hear that because otherwise she would probably always forget to get me food. I haven’t eaten in almost an hour. Mummy says that I am not allowed to say I am starving because I should think about other kids who really don’t get any food. If I met those kids I would give them all the food in our fridge except the things I like.
12:00 pm – We pick up Jack from Pedalheads. Since I can ride with no training wheels now, I am much better than Jack who tips over all the time. I don’t get why his teacher says he is doing great when he is always falling over.
12:10 pm – We are finally eating. Mummy is looking at the clock. I bet she’s wondering if she can have the “gin” thing yet.
12:30 pm – I ask if I can play MarioKart. She says not until Jack is done eating but he takes FOREVER. I ask if I can just turn it on but not play until Jack is done. Jack says he’s full but Mummy doesn’t believe him. I know what to do - I just give her the blinky blink look the pussycat gave in Shrek and I turn on the Wii. She doesn’t stop me.
1:30 pm – Mummy says we’ve been playing Wii way too long and we have to turn it off and play outside. I remind her that we only play Wii so she can get work done on the computer. She makes that gaspy sound and walks away.
1:45 pm – She turns off the Wii and makes us play other things. She says if I don’t play with my toys she will sell them to Toy Traders. I go up and mess them around a little so it looks like I’ve been playing with everything. That way she won’t sell any of them. She comes up and screams something about “a tornado hitting the room” and that she “already cleaned it before Judy came to clean” which totally doesn’t make sense because Judy is supposed to be the one cleaning and everyone knows tornados are an outdoor weather thing. She throws my stuffies at me to put in the basket and I’m pretty sure that’s not good parenting.
2:00 pm – We ride bikes for a while and play with the neighbours. They are mostly younger than me, but Kaz is older and he is cool. He plays hockey with me and helps me tie my water balloons.
3:00 pm – I just soaked Mummy and she says no more water balloons and she makes me clean up all the burst balloon pieces.
3:30 pm – Mummy makes me come with her on Errands again. Errands are trips in the car and there’s lots of stopping and getting out and holding hands through parking lots and not getting what I want in stores. Errands are when I ask to go home and Mummy says “Do you think I WANT to drag you with me?” and we glare at each other for a while.
5:00 pm – At home, I sneak another granola bar out of the cupboard, and then a cheese string, and then a yogurt tube. I’m not allowed to have dinner until after swimming so I have to sneak all this food now.
6:00 pm – I jump into the pool for swimming lessons. My teacher is 19 years old so I make sure to tell her that my mom is much, much older than her. My mom is so old that her eyes go all crinkly when she smiles at me. I think she may be fat, too, but when I asked her she said she wasn’t old or fat. I just don’t know what to think because I know she’s lying about the old thing.
7:00 pm – Mummy has made gross food again. I told her if she made spaghetti and meatballs every day, with ketchup instead of sauce, I would not say eewww. But she makes me eat yucky stuff like chicken and rice, and always I have to eat all my vegetables before I can even think about treats. But I still think about the treats all the time, even before the vegetables are done.
7:30 pm – Well, it’s bedtime and Jack and me put on our pyjamas and brush our teeth, and Mummy and Daddy only had to ask us twelve times tonight! It’s pretty funny, because as soon as they go downstairs we play together for hours and hours but we pretend to lie down for a minute anyway. I get my Forever Hug from Mummy and we talk for a little while after storytime before she says that a mommy’s work is never done and rolls off my bed to go do work. Sometimes I sneak down and see that her work is sitting on the couch just doing typing on the computer which doesn’t look too fun. I invite Jack into my room but when Daddy catches us I pretend I was trying to go to sleep. Before I go to sleep I think about all the fun things we can do tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get up early and tell Mummy all about them at 5 o’clock! I read Where’s Waldo for a while and finally Stripey, Tonsil and Whimper help me to fall asleep.